My Steps to Grieve



When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. - Kahlil Gibran

Who would have thought I'd be getting so much experience with grief in such a short amount of time? I've lost three people I've truly cared about in 7 months. I know many others have lost much more in a much shorter time frame. However, I believe one should not compare grief. It is different for each of us.

Yesterday, after hearing the news of my friend, I found out the mother of another dear friend has taken a turn for the worse.

I wish I could scream - or stomp my feet - or do something to prevent these losses from happening. I cannot. I wish I could fix the ailments, heal the sick, stop all pain and flood the world with peace, light and the love of Jesus.

Instead, I cry.
I sob.
I pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I check to see if my neighbors are home.
If they are away, I crank up the stereo so loud thoughts can't possibly enter my mind.
I let myself feel the rhythm of the music and dance like tomorrow will never come.

Then, I cry.
I sob.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I get up and I remind myself to breathe in.
I remind myself to breathe out.
I remind myself my friend is no longer ill or suffering.
I remind myself of the blessing my friend will always be to me.

Then, I cry.
I sob.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I rearrange furniture.
I scrub the stove burners and clean out the refrigerator.
I sort through drawers and baskets.
I rip apart junk mail and throw it at the recycle box.

Then, I cry some more.
I sob.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I go for a fast power walk.
I cry out to God and tell Him how much this loss hurts.
I talk out loud to my friend and tell them how very much I miss them.
I take notice of the beauty surrounding me while talking to them like they can hear me.

Then yes, I cry.
I sob.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I light several candles.
I put on my softest pajamas and thick socks (thankfully we are having a late Spring/early Autumn)
I bury myself in super soft blankets.
I cuddle my precious Doogie.

And, if needed, I cry.
I sob.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I make myself something really satisfying to eat - like boxed macaroni and cheese with Parmesan.
I watch a really good movie on DVD.
I listen to the stereo again while keeping my finger poised on the off button just in case a sad song plays.
I call supportive family and friends and then pour my heart out in written word.

I cry the pent up tears.
I sob away the pain.
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I remind myself that Ecclesiastes 3:4 (KJV) says there is "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..."

I remind myself that even "Jesus wept" when he lost his friend (see John 11:35 KJV).

This enables me to let sneaky tears flow freely.
The sobs rack my body as I hold the wall of the hallway.
I head back to bed and pull the covers over my head
And, I pray.

I remind myself of Psalm 118:24 KJV, that tomorrow will be a new day that the Lord hath made. It will be a time to rejoice and to be glad. And, all the while, I will remember my friend. I will hold the time we had together in my heart and carry it with me as I put one foot in front of the other and carry on with the life God has prepared for me.

I will pack my camera bag, my purse and my car with boxes of tissues as I know my plan is much easier to write than to actually do.


PS: Denise's funeral is Saturday at 2p. Her husband, Randy, will be delivering the eulogy. Please pray for him as he has told me this will be the most difficult thing he's ever had to do. Please pray for her daughters as I can't imagine how much they miss their mother.

Thank you, blog friends, for your support. It means the world to me.

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