A "blurt"

I'm just going to blurt this out there.

A friend commented on my last post that it seems I'm already writing even though I seem to only ever blog about "beginning to write." (My interpretation - not her specific words.)

I think she's right.

However, I wonder why should I write?

Who am I to think I have anything to say?

I've recently lost family members because of my past.  And, I did not lose them due to death.

They have kicked me out of their lives..... not that they ever had me really participate in life with them.

Pardon me, I was acknowledged as a family member as long as I chauffeured or babysat or a major "family" holiday came round the calendar corner. 

I was abused/raped at 3 years of age and it went on for several years.

A family friend attempted to rape me at his house when I was just out of high school.

A man I was dating the year my Dad died tried to date rape me when I was 27.

And yet, certain family members are angry with me because I'm ill and unable to function most of the time.  They are angry and resentful because I don't live life like they want me to. They accuse me of holding on to the abuse and not letting it go and moving on.

They've made my past about them.

They have no idea what my life is like, what illnesses I try to live with or the pain of what I've faced in more years of counseling than I can even guesstimate.

I'm sick and tired of people thinking they have a stake on my life.  I struggle to stake claim to it myself and it's MY LIFE!

I vacillate between self harm (because what is there to live for when your own family dumps you) and righteous indignation/anger that basically says: "You are ignorant and know nothing of what you speak of so just shut your trap and let me own my life, my truth and walk the path I believe God has laid out for me."

Am I living my life perfectly - the way God wants me to?  No.  I am trying though.

I realize there is really no point in my writing this.

I guess if anyone out there reads this and finds themselves in a similar situation - take heart and turn to God.  Please do not allow others to define you as I have done.  Do not let bullies bring you down.  I know that's easier said than done - especially when the bullies are in your own family.... but just don't.

YOU own your own life.
YOU own your past.....for better or worse.
YOU own what happened to you and how it affected you and no one can ever know the truth and what it did to YOU and YOUR life.

Another word of "advice," if you will:  Don't continue to try and work things out with people who refuse to see anything other than themselves.

I've tried working things out with my family members - several times.... and I keep getting attacked and blamed and ridiculed.

I'm done.

I won't be a whipping post.

I won't be attacked further.

I won't put myself out there for further abuse.

There's enough horror in this world to go around without allowing it to come through my own front door or telephone/internet line.

I'm saying a prayer today for you reading this - that God will give us all the backbone we need to live the life God gave us no matter what anyone else says.

PS:  A "blurt" first appeared on Dawning Inspiration.  © All Rights Reserved

1 comment

  1. I hear your pain Staci.
    Writing is a good outlet so keep doing it.
    God hears and knows your pain too.
    Stick close to Him.
    I'm praying for you.