Dawning Inspiration has died

I've been feeling pressure to be only inspirational on this blog for - like - EVER.

And, truth be told, my life is anything but inspirational.  Therefore, Dawning Inspiration is dead.  It will be no more.

I don't feel positive.

I don't feel happy.

I rarely if ever feel joy.

And if I do, it rarely lasts for longer than a "minute."

Truth is, I hate life.

I hate my life.

I hate that I exist and wish I did not.

(And before anyone gets upset and concerned, yes, I'm in contact with a counselor and a pastor and a doctor.)

The childhood trauma I experienced was fed by further abuse by close family members, boyfriends and even the love of my life.

I've been tossed aside because the needs of others must come first.

I feel utterly worthless.

I've read my Bible and I read things that say the "joy of the Lord is my strength."  I can't feel it.

I hear how there is hope in the Lord and I feel hopeless.

I read how we are to "renew our minds by reading the Word."  And I try, truly, I try.  I read and study and pray and think and, and, and.... and I'm still the same:  broken, shattered, unreal.

Maybe my faith just isn't strong enough.  Because frankly, my faith has been shaken - greatly.

I no longer believe in love.

I don't believe love can last.

I think life is this horrible existence - something like hell only not as hot - something we have to survive.  

Getting sick has prevented me from living the life I have realized I only pretended to live before.  The purpose I thought God had for me - the dreams I had - gone.  Simply gone.  What's left?

My high school reunion is coming up.

I am determined to go - only I'll have to go alone.

And how does one go alone and say that you are jobless, single at half a century old and chronically ill and without children???

One could say I'm feeling sorry for myself.  And perhaps I am.

And if I am, so what?  I don't frankly care at this point.

I've been working my no longer thin behind off for so many years I can't even count them on my fingers and toes.

I'm alone.  Except for my Mom.  And thank God I have her.  She loves me unconditionally and even when the sadness of watching me suffer brims her eyes - she is still there and loves me anyway.  She doesn't leave.  And, I know she won't....until God takes her home.  And trust me, I pray she lives forever.

I'm writing this ugly truthful post because I no longer care.

I don't care who reads this - or what anyone says about me or it.  You aren't in my shoes.  You haven't lived what I have.  And yes, there are so many others with problems so much worse than mine.  I get that.  I do.  Truly.  But it doesn't seem to help to know these things.

I've met my obligations to family.

I've supported the love of my life until I disappeared into the cracks of the sidewalk.

I wish for joy.  I wish for hope.  I wish for unconditional love that lasts a life time through the thick and thin, health and illness, etc.... someone that will STAY come hell or high water.

I've searched for that - even through online dating and if you've tried that you know what kind of a crap shoot that can be.

A word of advice for those that have a person in their life that loves them and stays with them through anything life throws at them:   Thank God for them.  Get down on your knees and raise your hands high and praise Jesus because you have them in your life. Tell them how much they mean to you if you think it means something to them.

I may or may not write on this blog again.  I'm trying to come up with another name - so I can write honestly and not feel like I have to be inspirational and all happy and joyful and always looking for the positive.

Because that's not me right now.  It hasn't been for years and it won't be for the foreseeable future.

My heart is broken and I'm grieving.

The end.

Dawning Inspiration has left the Internet.


6 comments

  1. I am sad to read this,but the truth is not always pretty.All I can say or do is send you a huge hug via the internet and lift you up in prayer.Many times life stinks,but we must go on and you too can and will survive,by the Grace of God.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I looked all this up on internet.

    About 50.2 percent — or 124.6 million American adults — are single.

    1 out of 3 women are abused

    annually over 3 million children are abused...
    you are not alone. have you thought about looking for a support group and trying to help others who have been through what you have been through? i was abused by a husband and joined an overcomers group at a church, i ended up helping them because i had been through it. we supported each other by talking about what happened to us.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I forgot to say, i am giving you a standing ovation for saying exactly what you feel and saying it here. for speaking your true feelings and not saying what you think we want to hear or for not trying to be inspirational.... this post is good therapy of letting it all out...and hoping this vent helped you a little.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My heart aches for you and where you are right now.
    No platitudes or fancy words...just I do care and wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you.
    I'm glad you could express your true feelings and I pray you will go forward and feel love.
    Sue

    ReplyDelete
  5. My heart aches for you sweetie. I wish I could do more than send you prayers of warm unconditional love, sweet joy and and the kinda peace that passes all understanding. Email me if you've lost me number. I'm here.

    Boy am I here. If you were here I'd put you to work. Gettin' ready for the forth shindig. Looks like the whole bunch is comin' this year. Fam keeps on growin'. 'Could be lookin' at close to 50 Harrisons this year. You take care hon...Give your sweet Mama my love.

    God bless ya sweetie

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I would love to send you a copy of my book. I know you don't want to read it now. You might one day. It's free to you, if you would like. All I would need is an address to send it. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete